Becoming

Obedience to true agape. Freedom from the world. Perfect love. Not only repenting of how I am not who God created me to be, but letting go of all my attachments to the passions of life: The dire to possess and the desire for others to want me (in the current world that phrase might be perceived in a sexual intent, but it is intended in a fuller context).

I lack. I want still. I have moments where wanting disappears and then pride or some other thought pops in and I realize how easy it is to fall down again.

Struggle. Sometimes I just cannot pray in my heart. I can do it in my mouth, but my heart is hurt or afraid (too many feels) and I turn to my husband and ask, “Pray with me. I need help.” More likely I yell at him out of my fear of not being able to pray from within. It is like crying out, “I know you are there. I know you can hear me! Why are you ignoring me?”

I know you are NOT ignoring me. You have a better plan. A plan I cannot even imagine, it is so wonderful.

I have been so blessed that I fear you do not love me. But I have suffered also. I have had financial difficulties and financial windfalls. I have had the same amount of income and been considered poor living in one place and wealthy living in another place.

I woke up thinking, “Why do I worship you? Why did it come to a point that I HAD to become Orthodox?”

Why did I want our children baptized? Was it because I wanted the connection to pass on from my childhood? Because that is, “what we do”? Or was it because I love you and wanted to share you with my children as I introduced my dad and stories about my mom, and my in-laws, and my friends.

Through my kids I started to see how little I actually understood what love is. I started to see who I wanted to be as opposed to who I am or who I thought I was.

I am controlling and trying to learn to give control to you. I let it go in relief, then pick it up again in fear. It is the same stumble as fasting or other sins. I stop, only to start over again asking for your help.

Lord, have mercy on me, the sinner.